So What Do You Reckon? Read online

  Cover

  Title Page

  Introduction

  So why doesn’t Jack the lad get a real job?

  I might be a racist, but …

  Poofs on parade

  Tall poppies deserve short shrift

  Barrett’s gone a-punting

  The Wellington’s on the other foot

  The politics of pot

  Public dis-service

  Take Derryn Hinch… please

  It’s time to munch our moggies

  A plague on puffers

  TV ads … the real thing???

  Bore it up ’em, Bruce

  Duck! It’s the silly season again

  Me nude! You must be stark raving mad

  Real men save whales

  Who’s jack of Robbo?

  Keystone Kops meet Police Academy 6

  Of big wets and bigger hearts

  Love thy neighbour

  Living with Derryn the dunnart

  A week’s a long time in Uki

  The banks: bloody-minded blood suckers

  The perfect murder

  Kill two birds with one stone

  Cross my heart and hope to diet

  Casey’s wace isn’t won

  Jaws 5: The butcher takes off

  Snowed under

  Better a white racist bastard than a black

  A McCullough to cut the deadwood

  Mike, I’m not a racist … just bored

  Hang on … I was only joking

  Sleaze stays when the party’s over

  The last hurrah for Bondi Brad

  Aunty’s aces by me

  Madonna: plenty to grumble about

  How to be an awther

  This isn’t union bashing but …

  What are you laughin’ at?

  Ayatollah of the airwaves

  Starstruck? Not us Scorpios

  Mad Wax before Thunderdome

  Say your prayers varmints!

  Ambos have to cop it sweet

  Racist yes, sexist fine, tobacconist no!

  A tour de Bondi

  Kakadu, the new Eden

  The republic starts to flag

  Leave no turn unstoned

  An artful dodger

  I’m pulling for ya, Pee Wee

  I saw that and I’m telling

  Dr Doug meets his match

  Digger drops a bombshell

  Family splits: no laughing matter

  Don’t give 0017s their licence to swill

  Cotton-picking genius

  The law is a dope

  Tall tales and farewells

  Dates published in People magazine:

  Copyright

  A word from the Possum Lady regarding Team Norton. The following T-shirts are now available:

  You Wouldn’t Be Dead For Quids

  The Boys From Binjiwunyawunya

  Mele Kalikimaka Mr Walker

  The Day Of The Gecko

  Davo’s Little Something

  White Shoes White Lines and Blackie

  Rider On The Storm

  Guns And Rose

  Plus, Team Norton caps in black and green with gold embroidery.

  T-shirts: $32.00. Caps: $28.00. (Includes postage.)

  Send cheque or money order to:

  Psycho Possum Productions

  P.O. Box 3348

  Tamarama NSW 2026.

  The Possum Lady also said thank you. She’s got most of her teeth fixed. Now she hopes to get a surgical boot and a glass eye.

  The author is donating a percentage of the royalties from this book to Greg Mulder and Debbie Green from the Wombat Research and Rescue Project, Tumbi Umbi, NSW Central Coast.

  * * *

  Visit Bob’s official web site and the home of Team Norton at:

  http://www.RobertGBarrett.net.au

  * * *

  Anybody trying to crack it, especially as a writer, needs or gets a break some time. I’m often asked what was my break? Bobbing up on the Midday Show, 60 Minutes, Australian Story? Taking those two strippers to the Sydney Writers Festival? These things help, but they don’t pay the bank manager. No. My break was writing a column for People magazine. In fact, it was more than a break. It saved me. And if you happen to read this JJ, thanks mate. I owe you one.

  At one stage of my brilliant career, I had three books published and was in between royalties cheques working as a kitchen hand at a restaurant in Terrigal; exactly like the one in Between the Devlin and the Deep Blue Seas. I had a slight altercation with the ex-kitchen hand, a well-known alleged coke dealer. Subsequently, I was charged with assault occasioning actual bodily harm. It was a stew, but I was half expecting something like this because I’d had a fallout with some coppers in a surf club up my way who threatened to get me over a letter I wrote to the editor of a local newspaper. This was their chance. I beat the assault charge fair and square, then the police arrested me again when the verdict was handed down for offensive behaviour. It was alleged that I swore at the plaintiff. The magistrate said, ‘I didn’t see anything. I didn’t hear anything. Case dismissed.’ My barrister said, ‘I didn’t hear anything and I was sitting next to him. What did he say?’ And this Gosford copper said, ‘I read his lips.’ If you don’t believe me, read the court transcripts. They’re good blokes, the cops on the central coast. Then they flung me in a paddy wagon to be driven 500 metres from Gosford courthouse to Gosford gaol so they could fingerprint me and put me through the whole rigmarole again. Naturally, I beat this charge too and I had a good case against them for malicious arrest and perjury. But the legal fees wiped me out — including the royalties cheque I was waiting for — and, unfortunately, I had to throw the towel in. Plus, I lost my job in the kitchen as well.

  So there I am, in my late forties, out of gaol and out of work. Three books published and stone motherless broke. I was honestly wondering if it was all worthwhile when, from out of the blue, I got a phone call from Peter Olszewski, the editor at People. Was I interested in writing a column for the magazine? Was I what. I was desperate. But I said I’d never written a column before. JJ said, ‘Don’t worry, write four columns and if they’re any good we’ll run it for six months. What do you want to call the column?’ I said, ‘I don’t know. What do you reckon?’ JJ said, ‘That’ll do’ and strined it to ‘So What Do Ya Reckon?’ Whatever he called it, it went for just over two years and the steady money got me out of the kitchens and out of the shit.

  I have to admit I can’t ever remember buying a copy of People. To me it was some kind of blue collar Penthouse with heaps of tits and bums, a giant crossword puzzle and something splashed across the cover like: GIANT SEA TURTLE RAPES SCUBA DIVER. I also wasn’t sure of my political persuasion. Somewhere to the left of Fidel Castro, the right of Joh Bjelke-Petersen and above Eddie Vortex. I also knew that, being a WHAMWASH — a white, heterosexual, Australian male with a sense of humour — no matter what I wrote I’d get bombarded with social definitions by the ersatz meritocracy, the stupefyingly boring politically correct. Racist, sexist, cryptofascist, neo-Nazi etc. You know, the usual self-righteous, pedestrian cant. Yet there was certainly no shortage of things to write about. The environment, drugs, crime, black problems, police shootings. John Laws, Ron Casey, Derryn Hinch, Mike Carlton. People being crushed to death under the weight of their own ego and the nation in a malaise. You wouldn’t be a digger if you didn’t try to help. Even if it was only through a column in a tits-and-bums magazine like People. So away I went. A sort of a Joe Carioca with a typewriter, seeing just how many politically correct dates I could put a rocket up, with the help of an old saying written across my rocket launcher. Many a true word said in jest.

  JJ left People and the column eventually fizzled out.
By then, however, I was just about over the hump and now, if I can write a book a year, I can survive reasonably well. And you never know, if John Singleton and Snail Productions ever get Les Norton up and running on TV I might even finish with a few extra dollars in my kick.

  I brought out a book called Rider On The Storm. It was mainly short stories and articles that I’d written early in the piece, plus some columns I wrote for Nine To Five magazine when I was living in Bondi researching The Day Of The Gecko. It went well and a lot of people have asked me why don’t I bring out a book of my old People columns? To be honest, I’d almost forgotten about them; it was years since I wrote the things. They’d have to be a bit old hat by now. I thought about it, then crawled under the house, dragged out all the cartons of old magazines and went through them again. I’m buggered if I know. They might be a bit old hat, but they are still relevant to what is going on today. A few things have changed. But the environment’s stuffed worse than ever, there’s more heroin than ever and it’s cheaper, crime’s now a growth industry, the police are shooting people right on Bondi Beach and the blacks are still screaming blue murder about everything and anything. Lawsie’s still blathering away on air wanting to hang greenies, Ron Casey finally hit critical mass, Derryn’s wandering the desert and Mike Carlton’s back with the rest of the silk worms on the ABC. It’s almost as if I’d written them yesterday. So I thought, okay, I’ll bring a book of them out — if only for my women readers. You know, despite having one of my books described as the ‘scatological nadir of the pile’ by some bag on the Canberra Times, and, ‘Insidiously revolting … Pray God this never reaches the international market’ by some other scrubber on the Sydney Morning Herald, I’m proud to say that I have got a heap of women readers. Almost half. They’ve probably never read People, same as I’ve never read New Idea. They already know what a sensuous, romantic novelist I am. Now’s their chance to know that I was a fairly dab hand as a columnist too. Regardless of that giant gee-up in Nine To Five. So, as far as I’m concerned, this one’s for the ladies. Bless them.

  I have to add that a lot of the columns came with cartoons and photos that I took and without them they do lose a certain ambience; columns such as ‘Sleaze stays when the party’s over’, ‘Me nude! You must be stark raving mad’ and ‘What are you laughin’ at?’ And, like I said earlier, I wrote them a long time ago. Since then I don’t punt any more, I drink very little beer and I’ve almost lost interest in rugby league. One thing the columns never lost, however, is how I tried to show what a lot of humbug and deceit this so-called political correctness is. And I’m pleased to see people are finally starting to wake up and beginning to ignore it. Political correctness is nothing more than dialectic sanitisation and truth distortion, foisted on us by a minority of tedious academics and pseudo intellectuals for their own self-gratification. In other words: The Witness Syndrome. Look at me everybody. Aren’t I wonderful? You wouldn’t hear me saying or even thinking something like that. They live in their own nugatory little worlds stuffed full of their own self-importance, their backsides burning with warm inner glow, their heads shoved firmly in the moral high ground. They’ve never done a day’s work in their lives and wouldn’t know the real world if it jumped out of a box and shoved a red-hot pinch bar up their blurters. But, worst of all, they can’t laugh at the world or themselves and they hate anybody that can. I could write more about these humourless nonentities, trying to clone us into their own miserable image. But why bother? So I left it to a writer more succinct and wiser than me. George Saintsbury. He reckons, ‘Nothing is more curious than the almost savage hostility that humour excites in those who lack it.’

  So what do you reckon?

  Robert G. Barrett

  August 1997

  Writing in Australia isn’t quite the glitzy, glamorous life it’s all cracked up to be.

  Apart from some yuppies in advertising and say, Colleen McCullough and Thomas Keneally who have cracked it overseas, writing for a living in Oz at times can be like an elephant’s foreskin. Quite a drawback.

  You’re forever broke, trying to exist on royalties cheques which arrive twice a year.

  And drunken council workers and concreters with brains as big as the piece of chocolate inside a Jaffa think you’re Jack The Lad, having a top time getting paid millions for doing nothing.

  They get the Edgar Britts and want to fight you.

  Being a bachelor living on the NSW Central Coast away from any semblance of social life doesn’t help all that much either.

  I shouldn’t whinge. Being broke here doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lonely. There’s always someone popping in to see you and have a bit of a chat — field officers from the CES wanting to know why you can’t get a job; dragoons from the sheriff’s office wanting to take away your car and furniture; lemons from the bank in ill-fitting suits wanting to repossess your home.

  And now and again some of the biggest coppers you’ve ever seen, with batons out, asking if you would mind coming down to the station to answer a few questions.

  You get women, too. Hordes of horrible, screeching divorcees that look like they take ugly medicine then get beaten with an ugly stick, along with their equally horrible, uncontrollable anklebiters.

  This doesn’t mean there’s any love there or they think you look like Jason Donovan. These beasts would move in with the Phantom of the Opera if they thought they could get a roof over their heads and somewhere to dump their pointy-headed, snotty-nosed little monsters.

  Amidst all this rattle you try to write a book. You realise your bi-annual royalties cheques wouldn’t feed an Ethiopian apprentice jockey, you can’t get the ‘jam roll’ any more and, worse, you’re just a common or garden writer. That means I write stuff the average punter can understand and enjoy, not to impress the wine-and-cheese set or the Arts Council. That also means I can’t get literary grants — the writers’ dole.

  So you have to get a job. Work doesn’t worry me. I did heaps of it before I got hold of a typewriter. But jobs on the Central Coast are harder to find than kosher butcheries in Libya.

  I did find one — catering hygiene supervisory officer in an international resort, as the Yanks could put it. In other words, scrubbing pots and pans in the kitchen of a would-be up-market motel.

  Now I said I don’t mind work, but if nothing else I do have my pride. There was no way I was going to let this hillbilly owner know he had an author working in his kitchen.

  So I put my name down in the book as Manuel Barretti and I said I was Portuguese. I was happy enough cleaning dishes, pushing a mop and ‘si-ing’ and ‘que-ing’ and ‘me no understand-ing’ my way around the place when the boss twigged I was an Aussie. Having a typical Central Coast sense of humour, he thought I was having a go at him so the racist bastard gave me the lemon.

  From there it was on to an even bigger, grungier pit at The Entrance with a kitchen that looked like Dr Jekyll’s lab and with workmates who were a bunch of wimps all terrified of losing their jobs.

  Having no chops, I stuck it out, scrubbing burnt pots big enough to house two families of Pakistanis, and emptying Otto bins in the rain with maggots.

  I don’t like to use the word ‘maggots’. It turns you off your food. Let’s say baby flies. Hordes of baby flies crawling up my arms and into my gloves and shoes.

  The managers knew they had the wimps terrified and treated them accordingly. They tried it with me one night. I had a blue with a little ponce over the radio, so I let him have a banana soufflé for a hat and told them what they could do with their bloody job, maggots … er, I mean, baby flies and all.

  On to another restaurant in Terrigal, where … well let’s just say, the things that happened to me and the things I saw going on are well worth writing a book about. And believe me, I shall.

  Yet there’s always that light at the end of the tunnel — even if it is only another train coming at you. I got my head in this American women’s magazine called Alaska Men, a sort of saucy, up-marke
t, lonely hearts glossy.

  Believe me, I wasn’t looking for a bride. On my money I need a wife and family like Quasimodo needs a body shirt. I honestly thought it was an invite to a free drink when a planeload of them got out here. And I’m telling you, I’d swim across a lake full of piranhas with a cut leg if there was free piss on the other side.

  Instead of a free drink, I got boxes of letters from women all over the USA. Some of them weren’t bad sorts either. I suggested to my publishers we send some of them a copy of my first book and see what they think. It might even be a way of back-dooring my books into America.

  As a bit of a gimmick I said that if they liked the book they should send me a T-shirt, because the Seppos do have the best T-shirts. Before I knew it, I had a box full of grouse Yank T-shirts and proposals of marriage. They also liked my first book, bad language, swearing, Australian slang and all.

  The good people at People got to hear about it, too. They were so impressed with my non-sexist attitude they asked me to write a column. Would I like to write a column for the magazine that has the biggest, bounciest, most beautiful women in the land? Would I bloody what? To say I was chuffed would be the understatement of the year.

  So what will I call it, and what will a concupiscent curmudgeon like me write about? I can’t just plug my books every week and lie about what a good bloke I am.

  I could be a sort of thinking man’s Paul Hogan. Maybe more, a blue-collar Leo Schofield. How about Derryn Hinch without the irritable bowel syndrome? I don’t really know.

  I know I do hate hypocrites and self-opinionated, grandiose tall poppies. I’m not just into saving the planet and wildlife. I’m an environmental Nazi and blow up if someone so much as steps on an ant.

  I’m a corny, flag-waving patriot and love my country and reckon we’re all entitled to a quid, so it irks me when I see banks spending millions of dollars on paintings and furnishings while they’re putting farmers off their land.

  I just lerrrve feminists and people like the Women Against Rape In War holed up in their collectives around Balmain and Glebe. I’d love to be stranded on a desert island with Germaine Greer and Shere Hite: provided I had a baseball bat, some rope and 5000 litres of boiling chicken fat.